


Those Who Destroy Us

by hollisteinlover



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Love, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5424152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollisteinlover/pseuds/hollisteinlover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla Karnstein is just looking to somehow survive 12th grade and be done with her personal hell. With all her other problems she really didn't need a tiny human walking back into her life but it happened anyway and now Carmilla has to deal with it one way or another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Carmilla Karnstein had never been good at making friends. In first grade she got a detention after school for punching her then best friend in the face and from then on in she was cursed. Carmilla always got too attached, too fast with anyone in her life she genuinely loved but in the end all that happened was she stuffed up or something happened and she was left, back to being loner Karnstein, an identity that was now a part of her.

Taking on this identity meant that Carmilla had tried time and time again to become detached. She already had a terrible relationship with her mother, thanks to years of abuse, and her relationship with her dad was at a point where it was mainly non-existent, he knew barely anything about his daughter and at this point they both just took that and went with it, their relationship was just too far gone. The only person that Carmilla couldn’t help but care about was her younger brother Will. Carmilla at 17 was three years older than Will so when they were younger they had each driven each other crazy, the words “I hate you” followed by slammed doors and their mothers shouting was the closest the family truly got to ever having a family discussion. Now though Carmilla couldn’t even bare the thought of thinking those words in relation to her brother.

Will had countless bro’s over the years and was invited to every party, receiving a personal invite even to open invite parties. Will was popular and naturally talented academically and at sport, getting into all the best teams he could at his age. The best and fairest trophies were constantly given to Will, year after year and as Carmilla would sit back and applauded her brother, she would feel incredibly proud but just as jealous. The one person Carmilla loved was all Carmilla wanted to be.

In contrast to Will, school didn’t come easy for Carmilla, it wasn’t that she didn’t try or wasn’t smart, she just didn’t try enough, she wasn’t smart enough, she just wasn’t enough period. Not being enough wasn’t then helped by Carmilla suffering from mental health issues. Since the 7th or 8th grade Carmilla had been battling with various forms of anxiety and depression. Her mind, body and soul became something she didn’t have control over as they had no choice but to succumb to the monstrous illness Carmilla had. Over the years as the monster ate away at everything Carmilla had and wanted she turned to destructive ways to deal with the pain from self-harm and suicidal ideation. Eventually it did all become too much and Carmilla’s life was saved when she had a severe panic attack and was taken to the ER. There Carmilla stepped out from the dark briefly and came clean about the darkness that she was in.

That day would forever live in Carmilla’s mind because of the pain she had caused to people. She had watched her mothers face, who she had always assumed didn’t care at all, show shook, horror and absolute devastation when the doctors consulted with her and told her that her daughter needed to stay in hospital and seek a treatment centre. Worse than that though was Will. Will had witnessed Carmilla’s downfall including her panic attack so when he called her up, her first night in hospital, Carmilla was nearly in tears at the suffering in his voice. At the end of the conversation when he muttered in his trying to be manly tone and said he loved and missed his sister, all Carmilla could do was put down the phone, unsure of what would happen if she didn’t get better and left her little brother all alone in the all too painful world.

Treatment was a testing time for Carmilla, she had to be completely broken down before she could rebuild and be on the path to recovery. She was in a youth mental health ward so she wasn’t alone and actually made a close group of friends but even inside the feeling of being alone was ever present. Even in treatment, the one thing Carmilla refused to speak about was why she felt alone, she would distract and trick people into focusing on other issues rather than what truly needed to be addressed but there was only one person who could make Carmilla talk about being alone and they were the reason she was alone.

When her discharge date had come Carmilla had walked out, not nearly ready to face the world but she didn’t have the choice to delay leaving her newfound safety bubble. Her discharge date occurred just three days before the start of 12th grade, something Carmilla and even more so her mother didn’t think she could miss. It was the beginning of the end and the last thing Carmilla needed was the stress of being behind with work and feeling even more strange than she already did.

Picking her outfit out for her first day back in four months was tough for Carmilla, she wanted a fresh start despite returning to her personal hell, she wanted to somehow reinvent herself or something. Above all what Carmilla not only wanted but needed to wear was her idea of armour so out came jeans, her grey hoodie and her special Batman flat cap. Carmilla knew she was gay in 8th grade, not that it came easy at all. Suffering from so much, Carmilla hated that she was gay until she realised how damn amazing girls could be. In the past Carmilla had spent many nights wishing she would wake up and be normal, discussing the guy crushes of her peers but now Carmilla was just happy she who she liked, and that she had the ability to like someone. Her sexuality was actually something about herself she loved, a rarity for Carmilla. 

Hoping onto the subway really started Carmilla’s journey back to school. Sunglasses covering her face, Carmilla let herself glare at the crowds of people, a coping mechanism she had learned to deal with social anxiety. As she got into her zone Carmilla shoved her headphones on and turned them up to a volume that her mother would greatly frown upon but a volume which allowed her to live in the music rather than simply listen to it, the music world although filled with pain wasn’t painful to Carmilla as the real world was. The flashes of light at stations were the only sensation Carmilla was aware of as she went about her journey fighting the emotions that all threatened to take over her mind. The emotions did take over when the station Carmilla had gotten off at for years appeared far too early for her liking. As much as her body and mind told her to just stay on the train and make her way into the city, Carmilla refused and walked off the train breathing slowly, all she needed to do was breathe and not panic and let fear take over and control her once again. 

Stepping out into the street from the subway Carmilla looked around, backing into a wall as a group of people she knew walked by. If she had learnt anything, Carmilla knew that crowds weren’t for her, be it slightly familiar people or not. Repeating the words of her favourite song which now made up Carmilla’s personal mantra, she looked up at the sky for a few seconds muttering the words out loud once. Focusing on breathing in and out Carmilla walked to her school, hands tight in fists as she tried to keep it together. As she entered the school, Carmilla turned the volume up trying to truly enjoy her last few moments in the music world for now. 

If she was actually honest with herself for once, Carmilla would’ve admitted that she had no idea how she would get through this day and if she even could or would. Leaving for such a long time, she knew she would be back to loner status, not that she really had friends to begin with aside from some people she only socialised with whenever her mother bothered her about getting out and living a life. Having nothing to cling to should’ve bothered Carmilla but once again not being honest to herself she walked the halls as if she was filled with confidence and was a strong badass.

With her sunglasses still on and flat cap securely on her head, Carmilla growled slightly under her breath as a group of girls all burst into giggles and decided to have a group hug blocking most of the hallway and stopping her so far clear path to her destination. Carmilla just stood fists still tightly clenched as the girls made too much noise. As soon as they split up Carmilla was off, veering towards her locker until she was stopped by a slightly familiar figure. Smiling way too much for such an early time in the morning, the figure grinned bigger as she met Carmilla’s eye’s even through her sunglasses. Carmilla’s advance to her destination slowed to a stop as she took in the figure who had changed so much from the memory Carmilla had tried to lose.

It was only as the figure pulled the dark brunette into a massive hug, managing to knock off Carmilla’s flat cap, that Carmilla allowed her mind to process the memory she had suppressed for so long.

“Laura Hollis.” Carmilla murmured as her hair was nuzzled into by the very affectionate tiny human, the tiny human who was now back meaning back in Carmilla’s life.

Well fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Just follow the glow yeah and know that you're not alone" - Carmilla's Personal Mantra


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support on the first chapter, would love to hear any thoughts you have as the story goes on!
> 
> Good luck to everyone taking exams right now or getting exam results, especially you MTB <3

Laura Hollis, the cute and tiny human eventually freed Carmilla of her grip allowing Carmilla to finally bend down and picked up her flat cap. No matter who or what Laura was to Carmilla, no one was allowed to mess with Carmilla’s armour, especially not today. As she tried to fix her cap back in place, Carmilla couldn’t help but let out a soft growl as she struggled to get the cap sit on her unruly dark curls, something that seemed to assume Laura who laughed at Carmilla’s struggle.

Once Carmilla’s struggle was over and her armour was fully in place once again Laura seemed to take this as a cue to just talk. Carmilla with her headphones still in place, smirked internally as Laura waved her hands around rapidly to follow the flow of her talk seemingly enthusiastic about whatever Carmilla was supposed to be listening too and have some level of interest in. Given the tiny human was clearly distracted by her own train of thought and focused on expressing as many words as she could at once, Carmilla took this opportunity to turn towards her locker. As she turned, anxiety took the opportunity to cloud her brain as she started the simple task of unlocking her locker. Insanely worried about forgetting her locker combination and being the stupid senior who can’t remember their locker code, Carmilla “confidently” input a code, saying a silent thank you to whoever was looking over her when the lock clicked and her locker door swung open. 

All Carmilla really needed to do at her locker was dump her bag and then she was free until first period, not like she had photos with friends she could plaster her locker with or even interests she was willing to share with however had a glance inside her locker. Despite no need to be at her locker for longer than a minute, Carmilla simply couldn’t do any of that socialising stuff with Laura so she went through her bag until her surroundings and the atmosphere eventually began to dawn on her. School plus Laura plus feelings weren’t to be a positive combo for Carmilla. Everything eventually fell away as it does in the movies and Carmilla was taken back to a very suppressed memory.

It was the start of 8th grade and the start of Carmilla beginning to struggle with everything, at this point she was still trying with school and friends but then she added on, not by choice but by necessity, her sudden sexuality crisis. This combined with the other things as well as just growing up and being a young teenager meant Carmilla was walking around with a growing burden, a burden which was slowly dragging her under. It wasn’t until she had a meltdown, her very first meltdown which few knew about given how well Carmilla was able to mask what was going on under her skin, that Carmilla truly felt worthless, meaningless and properly alone. From that moment forward for short time Carmilla became motivated and had begun a noble quest of sorts, to find her person. Carmilla wanted to find someone who could read Carmilla when she was hiding even from herself. Carmilla had found this person eventually but once again lost motivation and this time when things go darker then they ever had before, Carmilla’s person was lost, they saw Carmilla had given up and gave up on her as well. The once strongest thing in Carmilla’s life was shattered. 

As the thought of what Carmilla needed from her person swirled in her mind, she forced herself out of her mind, although the feeling of being completely useless and being insufficient stayed around causing her to slam her locker shut with everything still inside it and bunch her fists up. She clenched her fists more and more, just desperate for one damn second to forget about the voices and forget that she was just so damn broken beyond fixing. 

As she came down from frustration, Carmilla growled again this time at her outburst and how she had let herself lose control. She simply shook her head at Laura’s questions as to whether she was alright and if Laura could do anything at all, focusing on the monster instead. The monster inside Carmilla that was rearing its head once again and trying to make its way out of its captivity deep in her chest to rule over Carmilla.

Attempting to distract herself from the monster inside her chest, Carmilla turned away from Laura’s eyes, full of confusion and worry and opened her locker again to get out her laptop and binder. Her laptop and binder along with her headphones and phone were what Carmilla needed wit her today so she could save herself from school, life and most importantly herself. Flipping over her binder, Carmilla checked her notes to see where she was headed to begin 12th grade as the last thing Carmilla desired to do, especially with Laura around, was to wander the halls trying to find where she was going. All Carmilla really wanted to do right then was get to the classroom, find a seat near the window or door and put her head down and immerse herself back in the music world. 

At this point Carmilla wasn’t like her peers at all. As they walked around, worrying about admissions into a place they were going to spend their next four years and scholarships and GPA’s, Carmilla just worried about graduating. Growing up Carmilla once possessed the passion and drive for so many things, dreaming when she was little of being a teacher, architect, actress even interior designer but now Carmilla had grown up and the bubble of youth had popped, those dreams just seemed childish, unrealistic and fake. When the bubble of youth had popped, Carmilla’s look towards the future vanished with life itself. She barely knew, even at this point, since leaving treatment whether a future was something she wanted or would have. Recovery was meant to be slow but no one was ever brutally honest and said that recovery wasn’t all forward moving towards happiness, love and rainbows. Recovery was slow as hell and with as many steps, one could take forward, the dark place of nothingness was always lurking somewhere within, creeping in and out of the mind. 

Turning away from her locker Carmilla for the first time noticed that Laura had stopped speaking and was playing with her hair trapped under her beanie, something else Carmilla had failed to notice the entire time. Laura’s hair flowed out from under her soft grey beanie, her honey brown hair falling out in that careless way that models had perfected but just came naturally to a lucky few. Trying not to freak Laura out further by staring at her for longer, Carmilla closed her locker and leant up against it.

Closing her eyes and breathing in slow, Carmilla paused her music and opened her eyes to meet Laura’s gaze for the first time since they hugged, well Laura hugged Carmilla, all those moments ago. Laura made the first move, taking a step closer to Carmilla very slowly, obviously not wanting to scare the slighter taller girl. Carmilla not wanting to but somehow doing it, anyway took a step towards Laura as well, feeling like all those dumb teenage girls she made fun of on TV and in the movies, the girls who were all struck by someone who looked better than the average dumbass and couldn’t control their actions around the one.

Carmilla and Laura’s moment was broken of course, in the most cliché way possible when the bell rang out, forcing the the pair apart as the crowds in the hall thickened with everyone eager to start the school year. As Carmilla come out of the cloud of emotions with Laura, she realised how surrounded she was by people, moving people, talking people, loud people, people. The desire inside Carmilla to curl up and hide grew and her control shrunk. Carmilla couldn’t lose control, it wasn’t possible, she just didn’t because if she lost control then she lost control and nothing good ever happens when you don’t have control right?

Grabbing Carmilla’s hand Laura took control for her, leading her through the crowd allowing Carmilla to focus on breathing and not the crowd that surrounded her on all sides. Carmilla focused on her breathing all the way to her first class where she stopped at the doorway. As she paused at the entrance to the classroom, Carmilla took her hand out of Laura’s grip and spoke for the first time since she had murmured Laura's name.

"I wasn't good enough for you then and I'm in no better place now so if you don't mind Cupcake or even if you do, I'm done."

Staring Laura right in the eye even from behind her sunglasses, Carmilla let the black monster take over and claim her once again, numbing her to the outside and making her all the more aware of the inside.

Pain and suffering. Nothing was worth it.

Not even a relationship with a tiny, incredibly adorable human in a soft grey beanie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took me so long to update! Holiday season got the best of me but I am going to try as much as possible to update at least once if not twice a week! As always I would love for you to comment and let me know ideas! Enjoy!

When Carmilla arrived home from school (early after she stormed out from one of her classes when it pushed her to breaking point), she simply laid on her bed and gazed up at the white ceiling above her. Her bed was perfectly placed in her bay window so Carmilla was surrounded by windows and light and for once actually felt protected by her surroundings. Posters covered one wall of her bedroom, some even male celebrities who Carmilla herself had no interest in but for the sake of her mother and anyone who could’ve wandered into her room and wasn’t okay with the whole lesbian thing they had to be up. Aside from that Carmilla’s room just had a bookcase with a record player on top and a sad lone blue bean bag, a ghostly reminder from Carmilla’s social friend past.

Despite what was in the room or the lack there of it, it was Carmilla’s safe place. She had what she needed around her and it was something she could truly call hers, a place she belonged. Sometimes this sense of belonging and having her own space was a bad thing for Carmilla when the voices started. The mainly blank room meant that the voices had a place to project words and create their tormenting and destructive artwork. Worthless, nothing, stupid, death covered the walls as the thoughts in Carmilla’s mind swirled in no understandable pattern. If she was stronger Carmilla would’ve been able to distract herself but she couldn’t bring herself to even pull away her eyes which were drilling into the blank space above.

In the before when something like this had occurred Carmilla would’ve been on the phone with the person who got the voices and the darkness, in fact Carmilla would’ve been talking to them before the wave of darkness, despair and depression hit. This person would’ve heard everything that had driven Carmilla to that point, from the conversation with Laura to the whole school experience including the to Carmilla leaving school and once this was all out, understanding and empathy would’ve been expressed not stupid sympathy which Carmilla detested.

 Carmilla hated how she allowed someone to run her life day in and day out. Remembering the before as well as still being contact with the person gave them all the power they needed to do whatever they pleased with Carmilla. Carmilla couldn’t give then up though because they knew more than anyone else and even bigger than that, Carmilla loved them and knew that she would never ever not love them in some way. Carmilla loved and cared about them so much that if she was happy and then she received a message from the person that was negative or not what she wanted, not only was her day ruined but she was ruined right then and there. As someone who hated to cry and often refused to do so or show any emotion whatsoever in fact, the way that Carmilla was continually being driven to tears by this person on a daily showed how toxic the relationship was but also how much Carmilla’s heart was still owned and controlled. The brightest light could be created when the person let Carmilla laugh and smile a smile only they could produce but the fog of darkness that followed, was almost as powerful as Carmilla’s darkness. Carmilla was ruled by another being and she just couldn’t escape it and at times didn’t even want to.

Thinking about the darkness and her lack of control just gave power to the voices and truly tired out Carmilla who had fought for too long and too hard for one day especially given how broken she still was. When another wave of tiredness and complete exhaustion swept over the girl, Carmilla couldn’t even help just giving in to everything and allowing the once white ceiling slowly fade to a solid black.

 

_Carmilla was walking through the mall, a rose and Starbucks in one hand with the other gripping a slightly taller girls hand. It was their first date since meeting a few weeks ago at a party. They had originally just met up for coffee but when Carmilla had arrived she had been asked on a date, her first proper date with a girl._

_The pair eventually found their way into Topshop, admiring all the fashion more Carmilla’s style than her partners but they both were having a great time despite who it suited more._

_Turning around from the rack of beanies Carmilla grinned at the sight before her._

_“Wow you are rocking that leather jacket babe” Carmilla said to the girl before her who was modelling a leather jacket and slightly blushing at the use of the pet name._

_“You really think so?” The girl questioned as Carmilla took a sip from her Starbucks._

_“I know so” Carmilla said, grinning at the girl before leaning in and pressing her lips against the girls, gripping onto the leather jacket so they’d be closer._

 

Shivering and shaking Carmilla woke up from her dream, the taste of the kiss still on her lips, the smell of Topshop and perfume lingering in her nose as Carmilla’s mind was haunted and tortured.

“Just the past, that’s all it was Carmilla, just the past, its gone now” Carmilla mumbled to herself tried to stop shivering and shaking. Looking to replace what her senses were fixated on Carmilla took a massive sip of water almost choking but just happy another sensation was now at the front and focus of her brain. Finishing her water, Carmilla snuggled back into her hoodie, hoping it would provide some comfort that Carmilla couldn’t receive anywhere else.

Grabbing a book off her bedhead Carmilla decided to read until her mother or brother came home, once they were home Carmilla couldn’t break, at least not again. Carmilla loved reading, she would finish books within days if she developed an addiction to the story. Few things could comfort the brunette like snuggling up in one of her numerous hoodies with hot tea in her favourite Batman mug and a book. It always had to be a good book to be a true comfort and if she ever got stuck without a new good book, she would go back to her guilty pleasure author Meg Cabot, not that ANYONE was allowed to know that about Carmilla.

 

As Carmilla relaxed for the first time that day, a few blocks away, Laura was in a similar state to Carmilla. Not in an emotional way though but in a physical way, she was all alone in an empty house which meant that the usually chatty and full of life Laura was totally drained. After her time with Carmilla, Laura’s day was relatively dull and certainly didn’t involve anymore heart-breaking, tear inducing conversations. Even now thinking of the look on Carmilla’s face and the words that came out of her mouth had Laura blinking away tears.

Laura had been raised by her over protective father after her mother had died, raised being a loose term when her father seemed to value being able to provide for Laura above actually raising Laura. Laura’s father worked long hours and was usually only around to ensure Laura was fed and had been attending her self-defence lessons, he had enrolled her in years ago. Looking at the cat clock on her wall and realising It would be at least two hours until Mr Hollis was home Laura had time on her hands. Laura being Laura meant that she already completed her homework in class and study periods so she was free to be a normal teenager and hang out with her currently zero friends or do the much more enjoyable Netflix binge.

Laura was a major Dr Who fan but that had fallen to the side when she began The 100. One of Laura’s online friends had suggested she watch it for the lesbian action (which didn’t occur until way too long into the show for Laura’s liking but that was besides the point) and she was almost at the end of the most recent season and she was already eagerly anticipating the new seasons release way way way too far away for the tiny humans liking. Being a planner and looking at her time, Laura decided she would partake in the mission of finishing The 100 and starting Jessica Jones by the night’s end.

Netflix was one of Laura’s addictions along with cookies (preferably containing some sort of chocolate and none of those healthy, health food ones) and being a total and complete nerd. Nothing could make Laura happier than curling up on her bed in an oversized sweater and watching something on her laptop whilst of course trolling Tumblr, looking at anything she could possibly re-blog and get a little excited about or usually a lot excited because Laura was just that type of person.

As Laura got into a rhythm of clicking between the tabs of Tumblr and Netflix on her laptop, her perfect bubble was broken hours later by the rumble of her Dad’s truck up their driveway and at the same time Carmilla’s bubble was broken by her mother stepping out of the hire car because when you have money you don’t drive was what Carmilla had been told when she questioned the necessity of a driver years ago. 

As both Carmilla and Laura accepted the presence of another person for the rest of the night, neither of them could’ve felt more isolated.

 

No not alone just isolated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
>  I thought I had you figured out  
>  Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
>  Can't turn back now, I'm haunted"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm hoping to get into a schedule and do a mid week update as well as a weekend update! So here is the weekend update I hope you enjoy!

It was 6:30 in the morning and Carmilla was already on the subway, this time listening to her music through noise cancelling headphones she had brought because who would know that was what to buy her. Shivering as she trudged up the stairs from the station Carmilla regretted leaving her beanie at home but she was in such a rush to leave the house and avoid both her mother and brother. Her mother had got into it again with Carmilla about her sexuality and her in general when she began trying to get her daughter to date some rich guy’s son so she could get an in with the family and have her daughter back to only looking and thinking of men. To say Carmilla had disagreed with her mother would’ve been a major understatement.

Right up there on the list of things she truly hated was confrontation and any arguing of the verbal manner. Carmilla was happy to take anyone n matter their height or build in a physical fight because once the punching and kicking was over, it was over but verbal fighting was a whole different game because it actually was a game. Verbal fighting at least to Carmilla was a battle to see who would cross the line first and say something truly horrible that would lead to the other party giving in and backing away, a human game of cat and mouse. Carmilla hated arguing because of its nature and how it would het in her head. She would obsess over what she had said and what she shouldn’t have for way too long, not just days but weeks after. The intrusive thoughts also came in flashbacks to the fight with the harsh words that had been used and the hatred in the speech of whoever was talking replying on a loop in her mind. Last night Carmilla couldn’t get the voices to stop until she fell asleep, after her mother screamed at Carmilla about being a burden and how she didn’t even try unless it was to make things purposely difficult for their family.

The reason why Carmilla was avoiding her brother as well as her mother was because he had heard her sobbing in the shower and she had hidden in the bathroom until midnight so he would be asleep and they wouldn’t have the are you okay conversation. Carmilla couldn’t lie to her brother so when he would ask her point blank how she was feeling; she was honest even though she could see the pain her honesty was causing her brother. He didn’t know about what had broken his sister down but he knew the result of her being broken. Carmilla knew her younger brother still feared that she would actually leave him this time if things got dark, something a 14-year-old boy who had the best life ahead of him shouldn’t even be thinking as a passing thought or irrational fear. 

All that lead to Carmilla now walking through the school gates, half an hour before even the cleaning crew would arrive. She was being haunted by memories and avoiding family because that’s what normal teenagers do right? Honestly at this point Carmilla had no idea what the normal thing to do was aside from clearly not being at school ridiculously early. Dumping her bag in her locker and taking her new book, Carmilla made her way out to the school quad, eager to be swallowed into the world of the book.

Leaning up against a wall, Carmilla glanced around checking for any other people even though she knew the school was empty of anyone but her. Due to her love of people watching, Carmilla moved along the wall slightly after she had checked for people, so she had the perfect vantage point of the teachers lounge so she could eventually watch the teachers once they arrived. Carmilla loved watching the way they tried to enjoy some instant sludge (coffee) mixed with stale cardboard aka Ms O’Dell’s attempt at baking cookies. Thoughts of all others aside Carmilla left though as Carmilla got comfy against the wall and moved onto starting her book.

Chapters later Carmilla was surprised when her book took a romantic turn. Carmilla avoided picking books of a romantic nature or that contained romance because she wanted to be taken away but still find a book realistic and she didn’t believe in love and romance at least not anymore. Reading on Carmilla suppressed her own opinions on romance until the heroine leaned in and got her first kiss and Carmilla was taken back to her own memory of another first.

 

_Panting gently Carmilla looked over at her partner._

_“I know we said it months ago now but I really do love you babe” she said with a smile._

_“You are just saying that because you finally got laid, Hermosa” her partner replied as she pressed a soft kiss to Carmilla’s lips._

_Seconds later Carmilla felt a hand on trailing up her chest and she had to bite back a raspy moan when the hand gently squeezed her right breast teasingly before moving to Carmilla’s hair, untangling the mess it had become._

_“Babe why didn’t we have sex like the moment we met? I know I’m self conscious but I really don’t care you seeing all of me means I get to see all of you and just how on earth did I manage to not just find but land a drop dead beautiful Sapphic goddess?”_

_“You got me because you Carmilla Karnstein are gorgeous, I mean it also helped that I got drunk and stumbled into the lap of my forever but still you got me because you are you. Oh and we didn’t have sex baby because we were both intoxicated and probably wouldn’t have remembered the magic that just went down and I may have read that your orgasm is much better if you’re sober and you just proved it.”_

_“Mmm I mean you did scream pretty loud so I hoped I was doing something right” Carmilla said giggling._

_A while later as the talking died down Carmilla cuddled into her girlfriend chest and let out a tired sigh when arms tightly wrapped around her. Allowing her eyes to flutter close Carmilla was truly content because she was safe in her girl’s eyes._

Breathing erratically Carmilla slid down the wall she was leaning against curling up. She was falling into full on panic attack mode from remembering a time when she was safe and happy and as much as she hated to say it and admit it, loved. Tears fell onto the cover of Carmilla’s book but she couldn’t bring herself to stop the tears.

It wasn’t until she felt a hand on her shoulder that Carmilla stopped just crying and heaving from the pain that had filled her entire chest. Looking up Carmilla stopped breathing not from her panic attack but from the tiny human suddenly standing above her.

“Hey Carm, I want you right now to just focus on your breathing knowing I am right here and not going anywhere.” Laura said gently, clearly just trying to make the dark brunette feel even the slightest bit better.

Humming softly and just standing by Carmilla, Laura became silent as Carmilla began to regain control. Thankful that she didn’t have a full blown panic attack, Carmilla eventually began to properly breathe and stopped the tears that had been streaming down her cheeks and now had ruined the cover of her book.

It was once Carmilla had this control back that Laura bent down and sat next to the taller girl. Silence surrounded them as Laura tightly hugged Carmilla gently rocking the pair to be soothing. The sweet moment was only ruined when Laura whispered into Carmilla’s ear that she was safe causing Carmilla to flip out as she swore and pushed the tiny human away. Glaring at Laura with hatred fuelled by hurt in her eyes Carmilla spoke in a low voice.

“Why won’t you just leave me alone Laura? I hear everything I know I’m the messed up lesbian loner and you know what I’m actually okay with it as long as people just stay the hell away from me!”

“I can’t stay away because you are the messed up lesbian loner Carmilla dammit! I watch you in class and you’re just like my mother clearly hurting but not opening up about it! You can hate me for all I care but I’m here and I’m not leaving until I get something from you.” Laura said standing straight and as tall as she possibly could. 

Growling Carmilla lunged forward and smashed her lips against Laura’s surprised not only at how soft they were but the fact she liked kissing Laura. Before she could get sucked in to the fact she was actually enjoying kissing someone and feeling positive emotions, Carmilla pulled away and stared at Laura.

“There you’ve got something from me Cupcake, so now you can now leave me the hell alone”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think! Love you all and until next time stay awesome creampuffs xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I very much suck with an update schedule, I could give you heaps of reasons as to why I stopped like me developing feelings for someone who I think is oblivious to them and a person who I love walking out of my life forever but I don't want to talk about that and lets face it I should've updated. I am now back at school and with the study periods I have (thank you 12th grade) I will try to update and use inspiration from the 100 and well my sad little lesbian crush life to help out hollistein!

Laura had been dropped off at school by her father, a rarity for the tiny human who was used to walking/ running the blocks from her house to school depending on when she had eventually called it a night (usually midnight or later) and how long she had spent just lying in bed watching whatever on Netflix she had fell asleep during the night before. 

Entering the courtyard Laura was stunned to find someone else around, she had been banking on having some time to work on her Tumblr without being worried about judgemental eyes of other students. Laura was already the weird Old/New kid and she really didn’t need the added drama of being the weird Old/New kid who had a lesbian obsessed blog with random hipster photos thrown in sporadically. Being chatty and overall kind and friendly was Laura’s m.o, it was how she was wired and the only thing she had ever been known as and even with her worries and identity crisis Laura wanted her m.o to remain the same, it was easier that way.

 

Approaching the person who occupied the courtyard Laura was shocked and immediately drawn out of her own thoughts as she watched them have what looked like a severe panic attack and her caring side kicked in and she slowly walked over, knowing that sudden movement could trigger even more of a severe reaction than the one that was currently occurring. Holding back a gasp as Laura neared the person and recognised Carmilla she gently reached out and touched the brunette on the shoulder, relaxing slightly when she felt Carmilla take in a steady breath and let up on the tears. 

Laura didn’t know how long had passed of her talking in a soft voice and humming to the girl below her but when Carmilla was back to Carmilla, Laura took a seat next to her and gave her a hug, enjoying being on the same level and sitting next to a girl who still looked beautiful despite having just broken down. Soothing the brunette, the best way she knew how, Laura rocked the two of them back and forth and whispered a comforting saying into Carmilla’s ear not expecting the extreme and negative reaction that occurred. 

Carmilla flipped out clearly in a negative headspace and refused to not look at Laura with eyes filled with a fire of pain. More unexpected than Carmilla not just giving Laura a murderous glare was how she smashed her lips against the tiny gay, filling her with feelings and emotions and probably way too much gayness for that early in the morning (although to be far there is never enough gay, at least in Laura’s mind.)

 

When Carmilla broke the kiss and stared at Laura with emotionless eyes, something in Laura had been sparked and it fully lit up when Carmilla spoke. Eager to put some emotion back in the eyes she was suddenly lost in, Laura grabbed Carmilla and kissed her even harder than the first time they had kissed. Desperation filled the honey blonde as she moved and straddled Carmilla, losing her hands in the brunette’s thick hair. Surprised by the tiny human’s actions Carmilla held no control in the current situation, not that it seemed to really upset her at all. The pair remained in a make out position for as long as they couldn’t without suffocating and together ended their kiss grinning nervously at each other as they did so.

 

“So you’re gay now Cupcake?” Carmilla said with her trade mark smirk on her face, thankfully back to the person Laura knew and was constantly irritated by. 

 

“You’re one to talk lady killer, you practically attacked me like an animal, needy for some edible thing or whatever” Laura replied, her head still spinning from the kiss, well kisses.

 

Carmilla half grinned as she gestured to Laura’s position growling softly when the honey blonde tried to move away.

 

“If you are gay Creampuff then you would try to leave the lap of a hot, way out of your league lady who’s willing to kiss you”

 

“Hey I will have you know that I own three flannels and four flat caps and I also have watched the 100 and Orange Is The New Black, three times each! I even run a Clexa fan blog on Tumblr and make sure I live tweet every single episode they have together and I’m considering writing fan fiction about them and I am well versed in the lesbian fan fiction too Carm!” Laura finished with a huff, poking her tongue out.

 

Shaking her head Carmilla just eyed Laura, wondering how on earth so many words could come out at one time about so many different things that Carmilla was maybe slightly familiar with, if she really thought about it… and had the help of the internet.

The pair seemed to fall into a silence after the rush of words and sat in the quad, if they weren’t both so deep into their thoughts, they would’ve realised precious making out time was being wasted but they remained in silence. The closing of a door somewhere in the school made them both jump out of their thoughts and in Laura’s case jump out of her very comfortable position.

 

Groaning and not in the sexy way Laura would’ve liked, Carmilla looked at the girl.

 

“I was very comfortable and warm also having a hot girl on my lap helps my cred of lesbian loner be upgraded to just lesbian!”

 

“Oh hush you, its not right to be like that in a place of learning, I know that even you want to graduate and get out of this place. And anyway you can be comfortable, warm and work on your cred when you meet me later? If you’re willing to be there and not say goodbye when this conversation ends?” 

 

They both knew exactly what Laura was referencing back to. The moment years ago when they had said goodbye and done completely that. They had let the bond they had built over years of sleepovers, be completely severed in a way that meant they had questioned time and time again whether the other had ever had a place in their lives or the future they used to talk about.

“I will be there this time Laura and no goodbyes just see you soon.” Carmilla said looking at her with a small smile that no one, even her brother Will, had seen in over nine years. A smile that even before then was reserved for only one person.

Grinning the smile that went all the way to her eyes, Laura leapt up in excitement and pulled the taller girl with her.

 

“I’ll see you soon Carm” Laura said, making soft eye contact before becoming self conscious and making an exit. 

 

As they departed they both were taken back to the moment they departed last, neither knowing they wouldn’t meet again for nine years. Laura tried to forget the hug she had given to the, then smaller Karnstein and how it felt being held by her.

And Carmilla? Well Carmilla had been a coward, in that moment she knew that she needed Laura for a very long time but she had let her go anyway. Carmilla had given in, right there in that moment to something she would never understand but could be put in simple terms as love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry once again for disappearing and all the errors in this chapter, I was just inspired and wanted to pump somthing out for you guys before I pass out watching Netflix.  
> If you want to harass me on social media about anything or just talk, I'm pretty much always online so feel free to check out my tumblr foreverhellagay :) 
> 
> As always comments are awesome and I really do love you guys <3


End file.
